Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Reflections

I am sitting on my back porch right now.listening to Wonderful World by Iz and drinking my morning cup of joe. This song always takes me back to Hawaii, and as I prepare myself for Saturday I can't help but be filled with so much joy and sadness at the same time.

As unhappy as I was to come home, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. And I can honestly say that it was exactly what I needed to heal. I couldn't tell you why it was, because I always thought Hawaii was the place that could help me through anything, guess I was wrong. It's me, the power to heal myself is what it comes down to, but sometimes I have to change the surroundings and be around family to reset my mindset and decompress. If I didn't come home I wouldn't have been able to travel to Italy, Montana, down south to Decatur and see old friends, make new friends and have the confirmation for myself that Art Therapy truly is what I want to do with my life. I wouldn't have taken the leap off of the edge with my art and done 2 huge canvases in MY style if I were in school this past semester. There's a lot that wouldn't have happened had I stayed in Hawaii, and I don't know if I'd be where I am mentally and physically if I was there either.

My disease is UNDER CONTROL! I only have 3 months of treatment left, and I am feeling better than ever. I can only hope that this stays and I don't go backwards, but I've learned that living in fear of going backwards is no way to live. I always knew it in the back of my mind, but I wasn't doing anything about it. Now, I am back to my old self, adventurous again and willing to do whatever. I am not a hermit anymore, hiding in my room from the world because I don't feel good and want to just sleep it away. The worst is behind me.

I've always said that everything happens for a reason, and while I am not entirely sure what the reason is yet, I have a feeling there are more reasons than one and I will eventually see them when the time is right. God works in mysterious ways. But I can tell you that so far I've seen that it has shown me the power of myself, and the power that the mind has on the body and its ability to heal. I have learned that no matter what happens in life, it will always get better, no matter how awful it is. And most importantly has shown me yet again to live up each and every day and to not take anyone, or anything for granted. Life is such a beautiful gift and there is SO much out there to see and do, and I had to miss out on a lot when I was at my sickest. It has taught me the value of health. It has taught me the value of life. And it has taught me the value of joy. That saying that you don't know what you have until it's gone, 100% true in my situation. When I had to start saying no to social events, surfing, almost everything because my body was too weak I never realized how much of those little things really impact your life in a positive way. And I plan on making up for lost time with the island and the people there who I was not able to give as much as I wanted to because I was too sick.

I have learned a lot so far from having Lyme Disease, and I will continue to learn a lot from it I am sure. I want to give back, and I tried but it was too much, too heavy for me at the time. But I'll get there. This disease is scary and an epidemic, and people need support now more than ever, trust me I know. I've been there and I can relate to it, we lymies need to stick together. And even though there is no cure and I will have it for the rest of my life probably, with my body being in control again I feel like I can say i HAD lyme rather than HAVE it. I am a new me and I am so grateful for it. Thank you to all of you who stood by my through the tears, anger, frustration and all of the above. There are not enough thank yous out there to show my gratitude. I love you all and I will be eternally grateful to you.