Silver Lining in the Sky

Had my doctors appointment in Winona today, and it went wonderfully! I knew it would though, I really have been feeling so much better. Like I really feel like a new me, not completely like my old self... but I didn't ever realize how good i COULD feel. I know it will only keep getting better, because my doctor would like me to stay home for the summer. I was a little bummed to hear that, but she thinks if I don't get a full 6 months of rest in, I wont ever fully recover or fully be in remission. So understandably I am okay with it, but I miss Hawaii and the ocean so much. My heart aches for it some days. When it's sunny here and blue skies, I don't miss it as much. But I long for the smell of the warm tropical air. Some great aspects of staying home though are that I will be able to enjoy some live music which I miss when I am in Hawaii. So soak it up, times with friends and family while I can. Once I am done with this hardcore treatment, I am off to the motherland again to finish my last year of undergraduate school! So I guess I can't really complain, and can only be grateful in this situation, I get to live in Hawaii for an extra year rather than a few months before starting grad school. Also I get to get 100% better before starting my journey towards Art Therapy and wherever that may take me.

projects in training

I am... starting yoga again.. it hurts haha and i shake in it because i am so weak.. but it feels sooo amazing and gives you more energy. i love it. and to be moving and stretching muscles i havn't stretched in so long feels better than i could have imagined. i cant wait to go again. I'm also doing physical therapy and im loving it. Getting some movement without overdoing it is changing so much. I feel so great! This is proving my decision to be the right one.. I get to sleep 12 hours a night which is need. Literally.
During this week I was waking up early... like 830.. and i was so tired the rest of the day and was useless. Today woke up at 12... went to bed at 12 too.. and I am like the energizer bunny! I'm ready to start my GIANT paintings. And finish my little sketch for my "art class". Real quick I need to tell you about this class... I thought it would help me keep u my skills.. which is does.. but....it has all 60+ year olds in it. I'm the only young one and we're drawing birds.. from pictures. haha it is adorable and so entertaining. But it is very relaxing to just sit and draw and converse with elders. I secretly love their praise about my drawing skills too haha. So it may not be a class where the subjects to draw/paint are of my liking... but hey any art class is okay with me right now. Plus I don't ever do detail works so its keeping me practicing my patience with that.

Okay so, my parents have "commissioned" me to paint two 6ft paintings for the living room to go side by side. No pressure. So really theyre not paying me... but they are buying the supplies to paint these bad boys. We were going to make an 8 by 8 painting... making the stretcher bars and everything, but the local art store doesn't have canvas that large.. so now my mom just wants me to paint two instead. I'm a little apprehensive but at the same time excited. She has not stopped talking about the artist Akira Iha that we saw in Paia. It was beautiful and I remember standing there just staring. It was so simple and meditative yet had so much to look at. So I will attempt to do some form of meditative paintings with the color schemes she has picked out. I still havn't unwrapped the canvases yet...

When I start them... I'll start taking pictures of them step by step, so i can learn from how i work and see where it went from when it began.

poems from the past

HI poems.

1.
RIghts of pasage
love and lace
look closely, is all the same
cut the cords
get lost in words
tearful fits ad lengthy bits
bearing fears in the twinkling sawdust
through hot beverages and burning spit
turn the fire again
wilting flowers
and piercing sheers
look down the road, never go back
its the hearts of men that break and bust


2.
Forget the sounds
Forget the noise
It's not that way anymore
You're what your heart set out to do
smells enhance the high
Don't try to come back down
A touch can't hurt keep standing on your feet
Running now through a smoky cloud
The eyes are clearest at the night
Good bye and good day now
Enjoy the long flight.

bucket list

I was just looking at an old journal... yeah i have about 7 of them?
ANYWAYS I was scrolling through pages laughing at some, reminiscing on the past years of high school and how silly I was and probably stillll am. But then I found my "Things I want to DO b4 I die" list. I looked through then to find i have done 6 of them already. How awesome is that?! I mean.... I am only 22 years young... if I can accomplish 6 things in 4 years since making this list....I sure as hell can finish it off and then some before I kick the bucket right? I'm sure I'll be adding to the list forever... but that makes it exciting. At least there will be something new to look forward to and experience right? To let you know the things I have accomplished in case you were wondering ( I know you were) they are *skydiving * Live in Hawaii *Meet Hanson (yeah I KNOW.. and he shook my hand and looked me in the eyes so HA) * take a dance class * do something for AIDS in Africa * see a shitload of concerts


so there we are.. 6 golden stars of accomplishments and many many more to add. As I was looking at the list I definitely came up with a few more that I wanted to do like, go to burning man, write a book and be in a movie because all of those sound so exciting! And off the top of my head... I want to run a marathon, bike across Europe, have my own art show in New York, and start a traveling art therapy group..kinda like a doctors without borders but with art therapist without borders. I want to do SOMETHING about Lyme Disease... spread the word.. help families struggling with it and be a support for those who have no one. Meet Bob Dylan, sing with a band at some point, live in Europe, live in Bali, travel across the US by train. So the list grows and so will I, and I will accomplish them all.. may take years and years for some.. but it just might take a couple for others. Good luck to me and my dreams :)

its the little things

i love..
surfing, the way it seems to sweep all the worries and thoughts off of you and takes it down into the deep abyss

my family and my soul mates that keep me going

rings! the bigger the better and a stone is a plus

music.. there is a song a sound a melody for every mood or feeling

dancing, the way you can get lost in a movement and your body takes over. your mind simply on the stands watching

bob dylan, his voice soothes me and his lyrics get me

running, whe your heart is beating your lungs are breathing harder than you thought possible and youre in the moment

forgetting about what is in the future and what i have to do, just living and soaking up the little moments in life that make us smile

watching movies.. and the same one 2 days in a row because i love it that much

when i forget that i am sick and am truly happy to be where i am in life

i love big dangly earings

nag champa is the scent that most relaxes me

i love a lot of things.. and dont often stop to realize i have them all in my life

. its the little things.

Auld Lang Syne

I have been reminiscing on the past a lot lately and realized how much I have changed and how much older I am getting. It is going way to fast and many times I want it to stop. Since change and time are inevitable, what I will do is just be okay with the changes taking place, learn from experiences and mistakes... and keep looking up. there are always changes happening, what else can you do but just roll with it and embrace it?

Change is not easy for most people, and certainly isn't easy for me... but at the same time it always brings on something wonderful and exciting. new opportunities stem from one direction you choose, or from the other. so with this new change in my present situation, I am graciously accepting it.... because what else can i do? I could... be negative and be angry and make myself miserable by doing so, and probably not get any better over these next few months. but doesn't that defeat the purpose? it most certainly does.

So here I am, okay with this change of being in the cold for a semester rather than the glorious sun of hawaii. as much as hawaii is my shelter and my vice, life doesn't always go as expected.... and that is the fun of it. I did have a choice... and I am choosing what in my heart, i know is best for my health. completely stress free, one online class, rest rest and more rest. strict food plan, physical trainer to get my strength back, some art classes NOT for a grade, and spending time with my family and lovely friends. rest. rest. and more rest.

I know this will be good. It wont be easy, but it will be more beneficial than trying to do this on my own. And in the end I think I can beat this disease if I just surrender, accept and focus on just me for a little while. If in a few months I can get ahead with my health, its all worth it. then i can just move on with my life and keep moving forward instead of a constant struggle and fear. I feel an end in site and I cannot wait. This optimism is something I've felt I had to fake it to not let myself sink into negativity. But today, today it feels so real and deep into my core that I can't help but smile. Cheers to a new year, new health and getting the old me back!

dear brain...

Dear Brain,
I just want to say thank you for sticking with me these past few weeks as I tried to work on papers, finish color theory, come up with an amazing concept for ceramics and memorize things in french. it has been a rough and very tiresome week. i also want to thank coffee for picking you up when you wanted to fall to the floor. Body, no offense but you weren't a very big help in this process, you just kinda were dragging along while brain worked itself to death. but its over for a few days, you can rest, until sunday when you have to study french again. but until then, be blank and body... u gotta pick it up a little bit around here... ur gettin kindaaa lame. no offense.
sincerely,
Nicole