Warm Fuzzies

I am so blessed to have the friends that I do. I have overwhelmingly received within the past 2 days loving messages from many wishing me good health and lots of love. makes me all tingly and warm inside :) Even though out here (minus my ever so awesome roomies) , there aren't as many to lean on but I know back home and all over the place like Colorado, Wisconsin, New York I have true soul mates who are always and will always be there for me. My dearest friends I love you all so much. And you do not know how much your reaching out to me right now has meant. Sending light and love your way.

Rocktober

less than a week until Halloween. I looove dressing up for Halloween. When I was a kid it was all about getting as much candy as you could and then conning my brother to trade his candy with mine so I had all of my favorites. I'd line them all up and group them all together, 2 Almond Joys (Ill give those to mom), 5 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Really what I always wanted were skittles and starburst. I never was a big chocolate fan.



Now since I am "too old" to go trick or treating, I look forward to dressing up and showing it off. I love it because for a night you get to embody someone.. or something else. Last years costume I was Tom Cruise from Risky Business and walked all over Waikiki bustin moves left and right. This year... I'm still not telling but I get to wear a wig, and be someone completely different from me. Happy Halloweeeenn!

back to life

coming around to being a full person again.



i dont know if i can stay here the rest of the year. this is so hard a decision to make. but to have my mother who is amazing enough to fly out here when i am so sick i can't make myself something to eat for a week and a half... is unfair. i dont know if i can heal with the stress of trying to keep up good grades in school, work and just try to be healthy is a lot to handle and just overall stressful. some days i want to lay on the couch and do nothing. recently its all i could do. i had a thunderclap migraine... which messed with my speech for a few days... so i ended up in the ER.. where the love of my life and my main foundation stayed with me for 10 hours.

they ran tests for an aneurism, ending with a spinal tap. ew.

it felt so odd, a foreign object digging in my spine, pulling fluids from it. " now you might experience a headache tomorrow, this is normal" thats all i got from the doctor and they booted me out the door, validated my ticket and thats that.

next day... worst headache i could possibly experience. it felt like my head was going to explode when i sat up , and id get the sweats if i tried to stand up to get water. okay, no school today, just rest. again.

next day, even worse. okay sleep.

a whole week of this, unable to sit up for even 5 minutes. how am i going to function? thats when mother came to the rescue.



i dont know what i'd do without my family and justin. they are truly my rock and everything that keeps me sane and keep me going. im slowly coming back to life thanks to their nurturing. just in time for halloween! i know what i'm going to be... but shh its a surprise! i dont think anyone will even know who i am... but thats almost more fun :)

pumpkin spice

feeling somewhat nostalgic.
it should definitely feel like fall... it is the month of october, yet its still hot as ever the only difference is a little nice breeze and more clouds. i guess in hawaii that is fall. a little minute shift in the daily weather. that must be why the days blurr together here.

back in ilinois the leaves are changing color; crimson red, ochre yellow, burnt sienna, not much green just all earth tones. thats when you know its fall. you feel the crisp air tingle your lungs as you inhale, you can walk outside in a sweater and jeans and be completely comfortable, not too hot, and not cold. just right. fall has always been my favorite. the sun peaking through the clouds and the leaves all around changing colors and dancing through the wind. theres always the smell of bonfire in the air and somehow always a hint of spice. or maybe its that whenver you walk into a store theres already cinnamon pinecones out getting ready for thanksgiving and christmas. yes, fall wraps up christmas and halloween all into one. why is it that we anticipate christmas before its even thanksgiving. i walked into a store the other day and there were christmas decorations already out for sale, wrapping paper, trees, lights. its madness i tell you, right across from the halloween costumes. what?

personally, i think we should just enjoy the fall weather and not think about the cold winter until its snowing on us. or in hawaii weather, not think about all the dreary rainy weather we're going to have until it knocks over my lamp again.

hm

With all your heart, ask for grace, let go
Watch the beat of day pass into the cool night. Let go

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

We all are a little bit alike

reading others blogs.. some who you would never think you have ANYTHING in common with... i found that i actualy resonate with a lot of the feelings. 20s are damn hard.... but we must all remain optimistic. and were human... were gonna have bad days.

parts of my life painting are crazy and random.
a huge part of the painting is this illness that i so often try so hard to ignore, and some days it just creeps in on me making me feel so isolated and sorry for myself. i get frustrated that i cant go in and work all hours in hte studio becuse making food is a hard enough task for me. and then i feel like i slacker... its a contagious downward thought process that is all to easy to get into. its easy for me to pretend and hide in my room, but thats not good is it? i am strong, i havnt given up and ive finally given in and am really really trying to heal fully... no bullshit. no drinking, no staying out till 2 am anymore, eating a ridiculously strict diet. some days i just want to give up for a day and allow myself to wallow and isolate. but those are not good healing conditions. i need a support system and i am slowly allowing myself to stop trying to do this on my own... well besides with my family. i guess ive just always been to scared that they wont be there, or will get burnt out. but how do i know if i dont give them a chance? and if they dont, then o well.


i know im not alone, and the feelings that creep in once in a while are not me going crazy, its me being human and looking at the problem instead of playing pretend that i am perfectly healthy.


http://infectiousoptimism.blogspot.com/


"i do believe that a patient needs a small village of talented practitioners to get well, but I also believe that at the end of the day, if the patient doesn't have their own village of supportive, accepting, educated family and friends to come home to, the puzzle is incomplete. You just can't do this alone.

Unfortunately though, debilitating chronic illness is a recipe for isolation. Every so often you come across a gem or two that will be by your side, learning with you, helping you, and supporting you through your entire journey. A lot of the time though, when you're chronically sick, you're "out of sight, out of mind" because the nature of normal everyday life tends to swallow up those around you. "

Oahu No Ka Oi!

I never want to leave this island. I am savoring and soaking up every moment. I am so blessed with many gifts each day. When I wake up, I hear the birds chirping and the sun rising. Gifts.
I roll out of bed all groggy and one of my roomies have made a fresh pot of coffee... not just for them, but for all 3 of us to wake up with a little extra kick in the pants to get going. gift!

I love that I have Jenn and Gaby as my roomies. they are so open for adventures, like camping on forbidden land with signs saying no trespassing all over.
we pitch a tent (which takes about 30 minutes) just to end up sleeping on a firm bed of sand, under a blanket of stars and the lullaby of the ocean. waking up to the sun rising, with its pink and orange pastel glow leaking into my eyelids, forcing me to wake up early and greet the gorgeous day ahead of me.
gift, gift and many many more gifts.

it was like a vacation. the whole day on the north shore seemed like the whole weekend. we woke up to macking 12 foot waves, okay next beach. we ended at Waimea after stopping for some coffee and breakfast at Breakers. gaby fearlessly paddled out to the big sets rolling in as Jenn and I let the sun kiss our skin and watched our lil charger. i brought my board along, but 2 nights of bad sleep n a row= a not so peppy surfer in the morning. im pretty sure i would have died i was so exhausted i would've spaced and gotten taken by one of those giant outside waves. mm GIFT that i stayed on the beach

the whole day was relaxing. played some volleyball, did some cartwheels and handstands, taught some cartwheels.
siesta under the trees,loaded acai bowls and then cranked up the music as we made our way back to the busy side of town.
came home, unloaded alll our stuff. we had so much it looked like we camped for a week! then went and got a swanky new phone. stopped by justins, went to whole foods for a big, big dinner. i had twin food babies after that delicious meal. and then came home to watch Desperate Housewives. we still have no cable.. but for all of u who dont etiher, ch131.com is the best for wacthing shows the day its out!

what a glorious, beautiful day. a weekend full of gifts. everyday there are gifts to look for. be thankful. i am so grateful to live on this beautiful island with such wonderful people in my life. blessed i am.