This may be somewhat of a random ramble.. but bear with me. Usually I don't put much more on here than, thoughts, things I'm up to, updates on my health and life.. nothing extremely personal. But lately my mind has been on a role and putting it in my journal somehow doesn't feel right, and telling just one person doesn't either. So here goes. I am single. Yes, and it is hitting me.. hard right now. Relationships work, or they don't.. and thats that. I heard a quote somewhere, "sometimes you love and its not enough, and thats okay." It really is what relationships are about, not just dating but love between friends, strangers, passions... all of the above.. how can it not be? God made us, and everything around us with all the love he had, so love is everywhere. Maybe, too abstract but really love is in so many dynamics and when you are dating someone seriously, you have that person to trust, catch you and give almost all of your love to. Because in a way I think that is what we are programmed to do.. i mean really. when you start dating and you are in that honeymoon phase, all you want is to show that person how much you care, how much you want to be with them.. and then that usually turns to pure love.. it either continues forever.. or it just simply doesn't work out. You loved, you grew, you learned and you move on with life.
So where is this going? Hang in there.. I think I'm getting close.
But what do you do, when the sadness of losing a best friend and a lover resides. There is still that love inside waiting to give to another person..love is in a way endless to me. For me I'm learning that it doesn't have to be given to just one person. Right now I am kind of driving myself nuts because there is so much love bottled inside that I really want to just share it with everyone. It's kind of embarrassing so I hold back... but other times I can't contain myself and I just want to reach out and love love love. Because I love myself, I've learned to love myself, and I've loved others and I will continue to love others. But what I mean is more so that I want to just SPREAD love... and sometimes sure that spreading of love gets kind of confused with a different kind of love, from my perspective probably, but also theirs. I don't know I feel this burst of energy inside that is going to explode if I can't let it out on people here and there, and give some light to them. Its uncomfortable to some I'm sure, hell its uncomforable to me even. ha but im sorry I can't help myself. Love is all you need, and love is all i want to give and recieve. I'm not trying to sound all hippie here when I mean spread the love... but its that feeling inside when you just feel so much love, and if you don't have that special someone in your life to just give loads of it to, you hafta find ways to release it wherever the opportunity comes.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Silver Lining in the Sky
Had my doctors appointment in Winona today, and it went wonderfully! I knew it would though, I really have been feeling so much better. Like I really feel like a new me, not completely like my old self... but I didn't ever realize how good i COULD feel. I know it will only keep getting better, because my doctor would like me to stay home for the summer. I was a little bummed to hear that, but she thinks if I don't get a full 6 months of rest in, I wont ever fully recover or fully be in remission. So understandably I am okay with it, but I miss Hawaii and the ocean so much. My heart aches for it some days. When it's sunny here and blue skies, I don't miss it as much. But I long for the smell of the warm tropical air. Some great aspects of staying home though are that I will be able to enjoy some live music which I miss when I am in Hawaii. So soak it up, times with friends and family while I can. Once I am done with this hardcore treatment, I am off to the motherland again to finish my last year of undergraduate school! So I guess I can't really complain, and can only be grateful in this situation, I get to live in Hawaii for an extra year rather than a few months before starting grad school. Also I get to get 100% better before starting my journey towards Art Therapy and wherever that may take me.
Friday, February 11, 2011
projects in training
I am... starting yoga again.. it hurts haha and i shake in it because i am so weak.. but it feels sooo amazing and gives you more energy. i love it. and to be moving and stretching muscles i havn't stretched in so long feels better than i could have imagined. i cant wait to go again. I'm also doing physical therapy and im loving it. Getting some movement without overdoing it is changing so much. I feel so great! This is proving my decision to be the right one.. I get to sleep 12 hours a night which is need. Literally.
During this week I was waking up early... like 830.. and i was so tired the rest of the day and was useless. Today woke up at 12... went to bed at 12 too.. and I am like the energizer bunny! I'm ready to start my GIANT paintings. And finish my little sketch for my "art class". Real quick I need to tell you about this class... I thought it would help me keep u my skills.. which is does.. but....it has all 60+ year olds in it. I'm the only young one and we're drawing birds.. from pictures. haha it is adorable and so entertaining. But it is very relaxing to just sit and draw and converse with elders. I secretly love their praise about my drawing skills too haha. So it may not be a class where the subjects to draw/paint are of my liking... but hey any art class is okay with me right now. Plus I don't ever do detail works so its keeping me practicing my patience with that.
Okay so, my parents have "commissioned" me to paint two 6ft paintings for the living room to go side by side. No pressure. So really theyre not paying me... but they are buying the supplies to paint these bad boys. We were going to make an 8 by 8 painting... making the stretcher bars and everything, but the local art store doesn't have canvas that large.. so now my mom just wants me to paint two instead. I'm a little apprehensive but at the same time excited. She has not stopped talking about the artist Akira Iha that we saw in Paia. It was beautiful and I remember standing there just staring. It was so simple and meditative yet had so much to look at. So I will attempt to do some form of meditative paintings with the color schemes she has picked out. I still havn't unwrapped the canvases yet...
When I start them... I'll start taking pictures of them step by step, so i can learn from how i work and see where it went from when it began.
During this week I was waking up early... like 830.. and i was so tired the rest of the day and was useless. Today woke up at 12... went to bed at 12 too.. and I am like the energizer bunny! I'm ready to start my GIANT paintings. And finish my little sketch for my "art class". Real quick I need to tell you about this class... I thought it would help me keep u my skills.. which is does.. but....it has all 60+ year olds in it. I'm the only young one and we're drawing birds.. from pictures. haha it is adorable and so entertaining. But it is very relaxing to just sit and draw and converse with elders. I secretly love their praise about my drawing skills too haha. So it may not be a class where the subjects to draw/paint are of my liking... but hey any art class is okay with me right now. Plus I don't ever do detail works so its keeping me practicing my patience with that.
Okay so, my parents have "commissioned" me to paint two 6ft paintings for the living room to go side by side. No pressure. So really theyre not paying me... but they are buying the supplies to paint these bad boys. We were going to make an 8 by 8 painting... making the stretcher bars and everything, but the local art store doesn't have canvas that large.. so now my mom just wants me to paint two instead. I'm a little apprehensive but at the same time excited. She has not stopped talking about the artist Akira Iha that we saw in Paia. It was beautiful and I remember standing there just staring. It was so simple and meditative yet had so much to look at. So I will attempt to do some form of meditative paintings with the color schemes she has picked out. I still havn't unwrapped the canvases yet...
When I start them... I'll start taking pictures of them step by step, so i can learn from how i work and see where it went from when it began.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
poems from the past
HI poems.
1.
RIghts of pasage
love and lace
look closely, is all the same
cut the cords
get lost in words
tearful fits ad lengthy bits
bearing fears in the twinkling sawdust
through hot beverages and burning spit
turn the fire again
wilting flowers
and piercing sheers
look down the road, never go back
its the hearts of men that break and bust
2.
Forget the sounds
Forget the noise
It's not that way anymore
You're what your heart set out to do
smells enhance the high
Don't try to come back down
A touch can't hurt keep standing on your feet
Running now through a smoky cloud
The eyes are clearest at the night
Good bye and good day now
Enjoy the long flight.
1.
RIghts of pasage
love and lace
look closely, is all the same
cut the cords
get lost in words
tearful fits ad lengthy bits
bearing fears in the twinkling sawdust
through hot beverages and burning spit
turn the fire again
wilting flowers
and piercing sheers
look down the road, never go back
its the hearts of men that break and bust
2.
Forget the sounds
Forget the noise
It's not that way anymore
You're what your heart set out to do
smells enhance the high
Don't try to come back down
A touch can't hurt keep standing on your feet
Running now through a smoky cloud
The eyes are clearest at the night
Good bye and good day now
Enjoy the long flight.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
bucket list
I was just looking at an old journal... yeah i have about 7 of them?
ANYWAYS I was scrolling through pages laughing at some, reminiscing on the past years of high school and how silly I was and probably stillll am. But then I found my "Things I want to DO b4 I die" list. I looked through then to find i have done 6 of them already. How awesome is that?! I mean.... I am only 22 years young... if I can accomplish 6 things in 4 years since making this list....I sure as hell can finish it off and then some before I kick the bucket right? I'm sure I'll be adding to the list forever... but that makes it exciting. At least there will be something new to look forward to and experience right? To let you know the things I have accomplished in case you were wondering ( I know you were) they are *skydiving * Live in Hawaii *Meet Hanson (yeah I KNOW.. and he shook my hand and looked me in the eyes so HA) * take a dance class * do something for AIDS in Africa * see a shitload of concerts
so there we are.. 6 golden stars of accomplishments and many many more to add. As I was looking at the list I definitely came up with a few more that I wanted to do like, go to burning man, write a book and be in a movie because all of those sound so exciting! And off the top of my head... I want to run a marathon, bike across Europe, have my own art show in New York, and start a traveling art therapy group..kinda like a doctors without borders but with art therapist without borders. I want to do SOMETHING about Lyme Disease... spread the word.. help families struggling with it and be a support for those who have no one. Meet Bob Dylan, sing with a band at some point, live in Europe, live in Bali, travel across the US by train. So the list grows and so will I, and I will accomplish them all.. may take years and years for some.. but it just might take a couple for others. Good luck to me and my dreams :)
ANYWAYS I was scrolling through pages laughing at some, reminiscing on the past years of high school and how silly I was and probably stillll am. But then I found my "Things I want to DO b4 I die" list. I looked through then to find i have done 6 of them already. How awesome is that?! I mean.... I am only 22 years young... if I can accomplish 6 things in 4 years since making this list....I sure as hell can finish it off and then some before I kick the bucket right? I'm sure I'll be adding to the list forever... but that makes it exciting. At least there will be something new to look forward to and experience right? To let you know the things I have accomplished in case you were wondering ( I know you were) they are *skydiving * Live in Hawaii *Meet Hanson (yeah I KNOW.. and he shook my hand and looked me in the eyes so HA) * take a dance class * do something for AIDS in Africa * see a shitload of concerts
so there we are.. 6 golden stars of accomplishments and many many more to add. As I was looking at the list I definitely came up with a few more that I wanted to do like, go to burning man, write a book and be in a movie because all of those sound so exciting! And off the top of my head... I want to run a marathon, bike across Europe, have my own art show in New York, and start a traveling art therapy group..kinda like a doctors without borders but with art therapist without borders. I want to do SOMETHING about Lyme Disease... spread the word.. help families struggling with it and be a support for those who have no one. Meet Bob Dylan, sing with a band at some point, live in Europe, live in Bali, travel across the US by train. So the list grows and so will I, and I will accomplish them all.. may take years and years for some.. but it just might take a couple for others. Good luck to me and my dreams :)
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