Auld Lang Syne

I have been reminiscing on the past a lot lately and realized how much I have changed and how much older I am getting. It is going way to fast and many times I want it to stop. Since change and time are inevitable, what I will do is just be okay with the changes taking place, learn from experiences and mistakes... and keep looking up. there are always changes happening, what else can you do but just roll with it and embrace it?

Change is not easy for most people, and certainly isn't easy for me... but at the same time it always brings on something wonderful and exciting. new opportunities stem from one direction you choose, or from the other. so with this new change in my present situation, I am graciously accepting it.... because what else can i do? I could... be negative and be angry and make myself miserable by doing so, and probably not get any better over these next few months. but doesn't that defeat the purpose? it most certainly does.

So here I am, okay with this change of being in the cold for a semester rather than the glorious sun of hawaii. as much as hawaii is my shelter and my vice, life doesn't always go as expected.... and that is the fun of it. I did have a choice... and I am choosing what in my heart, i know is best for my health. completely stress free, one online class, rest rest and more rest. strict food plan, physical trainer to get my strength back, some art classes NOT for a grade, and spending time with my family and lovely friends. rest. rest. and more rest.

I know this will be good. It wont be easy, but it will be more beneficial than trying to do this on my own. And in the end I think I can beat this disease if I just surrender, accept and focus on just me for a little while. If in a few months I can get ahead with my health, its all worth it. then i can just move on with my life and keep moving forward instead of a constant struggle and fear. I feel an end in site and I cannot wait. This optimism is something I've felt I had to fake it to not let myself sink into negativity. But today, today it feels so real and deep into my core that I can't help but smile. Cheers to a new year, new health and getting the old me back!

dear brain...

Dear Brain,
I just want to say thank you for sticking with me these past few weeks as I tried to work on papers, finish color theory, come up with an amazing concept for ceramics and memorize things in french. it has been a rough and very tiresome week. i also want to thank coffee for picking you up when you wanted to fall to the floor. Body, no offense but you weren't a very big help in this process, you just kinda were dragging along while brain worked itself to death. but its over for a few days, you can rest, until sunday when you have to study french again. but until then, be blank and body... u gotta pick it up a little bit around here... ur gettin kindaaa lame. no offense.
sincerely,
Nicole

gobble, gobble goes the turkey

so a little late, but thanksgiving day was quite hectic. it was wonderful as well. i completely splurged. iate all the things i am not supposed to :) i ate turkey, cranberry sauce and made an amazing sweet potato dish. I also splurged at Whole Foods and bought some swanky cheese and italian salami for appetizers.

when i started the day off i slept in. when i got up i drank some coffee to get my energy goin and lit a cranberry candle, and then played christmas music while cleaning and peeling potatoes. It was a beautiful day out and as I took a moment to stop and look in my window, i looked at diamond head and realized what a perfect view i have. i mean of course i always new this, but i was seeing everything in a different light. i love this island, it is my haven and i am so thankful i get to see such beauty everyday. I am so blessed.

My first thanksgiving away from home was a wonderful success and was shared with such great people that filled the apartment with good energy. It was not so much a thanksgiving day, but weekend. I got to spend all day friday being a bum, sleeping in, watching tv, eating leftovers. it felt so good to do NOTHING. saturday i spent the day laying in the sun at cromwells with justin and then to see a movie with my ladies and jenn's mom! and this morning we rented huge longboards and just cruised in the water, i was able to catch so many waves once i got my balance back. it was a perfect morning, the crystal clear water the glowing sun brushing my skin and a light breeze to keep me cool. I love this island more than anything and the life i get to live out here. THANKFUL for so much in my life.

and the light shines on

what a wonderful day! woke up feeling so crappy... ended it feeling so happy inside.
today in ceramics we had critique and it was on our multiples piece. i did mine on lyme disease. first the class had to discuss everything and figure out what it was about, then i got to explain. and with my heart beating like a bass drum and my voice shaking, i explained everything to them. it was such a liberating feeling to share something that i carry with me everyday and no one has any idea what i am feeling or going through. it was such a relief in a way to be like so some days im on and some days im SO off my mind is barely there.... well this is why. i got such positive feed back about my piece that i was smiling from the inside out. positive feed back about my art, and art that is about something so serious and a big part of my life right now is amazing. when a critique goes well, its like i am a new person entirely. so without further ado, this is my piece titled "Sickly Sweet" (these have not been fired or glazed yet, the colors will be much brighter so keep that in mind when looking)

Mehhh

I don't think surfing has ever really made me so sad while I was out in the water. I have never felt so weak, it amazes me to see how fast my muscles seem to have deteriorated and how my energy level has REALLY gone down. After catching one lil wave and standing up very shaky and wobbly as if it were my first time again I could not muster up the strength and energy to get to the outside. So i gave in,sat on the inside by myself and while watching the orange sherbert sunset I'll admit that I teared up a little bit. I didn't realize that I actually was slipping away to this disease. The things I want to do and love to do, I cannot physically do them. Not yet anyway. I don't know what's worse, being landlocked and not surfing ever... or being near the ocean, with waves and not being able to surf. It's frustrating beyond words.

But then after I got out and rinsed off the salt from my hair, I felt calmer, and okay with it. As i teared up in the water in a way I felt I gave some of my troubles to the ocean and left them there. The ocean really is a healing place, and that answers it. I'd rather have the ocean rather than not have it around.

yay for productive mondays

art and i have such a love hate relationship.
some days i want to be in the studio for hours.. but other days you cant keep me in there for more than 10 minutes at a time.
right now i am making cups, cups and more cups in ceramics.. just for fun. so i enjoy it. each one is a canvas and sometimes i produce some of the most random things... i dont even know where they come from. which is a great feeling. that to me is what art is about. just playing and see what comes out.. because it comes from somewhere within. maybe youre feeling nostalgic and so that shows up, or really excited and that'll come out with bright and more busy paintings. the handwriting is all you but each one is different because it pulls from deep within the consciousness. well not always.. sometimes you have to do what the teacher asks of you with about 20% of your own input... thats when me and art become a little more distant. when i have to put restrictions on how i do it, and where it stems from... whew you have to glue my butt to the chair to keep it going and get a final piece. i love art when it is pure and is used to help you through the day and keep your spirits lifted. cause honestly when i cant be creative... i get just as distant.

7th dimensions and white lights

whoaaaaa freaky. i went and got some angel healing last night, somewhat like Reiki but a little bit more powerful... or maybe A LOT. It took me into a deeper state of relaxation than I ever thought possible. It was an out of body experience to say the least. As I went into total meditation mode opening up all my chakras and my heart to healing (as instructed) I was imagining myself being taken up to the 7th dimension, where the powerful healing takes place, allowing all and any healing necessary to be held. INTENSE. It actually felt like my body was levitating and being taken to this space that I have never been to. I felt I was being guided there by my angels (energy/spirits/ souls) to a heightened state of being. At one point I felt I wanted to jump up and run out..but something told me to stay calm and stay in the moment, don't over-think it. Then there was no thinking, just pure energy.

This is something I'd never believed I'd try, I didn't even know it existed really yet here I am trying out all of these different methods of energy healing. It's a hard thing to try and explain but you feel lighter, newer and more aware. A little more clarevoyant as well, it becomes easier to listen to that inner voice. THe hardest part is not letting that part go, and keeping that openness you feel after. It's almost like a mental cleaning. Today I felt awful, a total lyme day. That is because so much is moving around and dying off and the effects, are pain. But instead of feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the extreme fatigue and pain and twitching going on, I just smile and receive the healing taking place because I know that is what is happening. I smile and say thank you, and recieve it with open arms. Let his healing continue. This disease has taught me to feel angry and bitter but it has also allowed me to look at t and see it as a good thing, it forces me to listen to my body which is something most people rarely do. I COULD push through and keep going, ignore the pain, run myself to the ground, drink , party... but the second I stopped I would be afraid I'd collapse. I'm much happier knowing when to say when and not regretting it when I wake up the next day feeling better than the one before.

you're the boss applesauce

Halloween was so fun! even thought i did not celebrate on the night of halloween.. it was the night before. but it was enough for the whole weekend cause it has wiped me out. i am so tired now.. i was up wayy past my bedtime.
but it was so great to forget all about my troubles and be someone else for a night. I was Edie Sedgwick for the time being, dancing the night away in my own little world with a smile painted on my face. bouncing around without a care in the world. it felt so good.

Warm Fuzzies

I am so blessed to have the friends that I do. I have overwhelmingly received within the past 2 days loving messages from many wishing me good health and lots of love. makes me all tingly and warm inside :) Even though out here (minus my ever so awesome roomies) , there aren't as many to lean on but I know back home and all over the place like Colorado, Wisconsin, New York I have true soul mates who are always and will always be there for me. My dearest friends I love you all so much. And you do not know how much your reaching out to me right now has meant. Sending light and love your way.

Rocktober

less than a week until Halloween. I looove dressing up for Halloween. When I was a kid it was all about getting as much candy as you could and then conning my brother to trade his candy with mine so I had all of my favorites. I'd line them all up and group them all together, 2 Almond Joys (Ill give those to mom), 5 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Really what I always wanted were skittles and starburst. I never was a big chocolate fan.



Now since I am "too old" to go trick or treating, I look forward to dressing up and showing it off. I love it because for a night you get to embody someone.. or something else. Last years costume I was Tom Cruise from Risky Business and walked all over Waikiki bustin moves left and right. This year... I'm still not telling but I get to wear a wig, and be someone completely different from me. Happy Halloweeeenn!

back to life

coming around to being a full person again.



i dont know if i can stay here the rest of the year. this is so hard a decision to make. but to have my mother who is amazing enough to fly out here when i am so sick i can't make myself something to eat for a week and a half... is unfair. i dont know if i can heal with the stress of trying to keep up good grades in school, work and just try to be healthy is a lot to handle and just overall stressful. some days i want to lay on the couch and do nothing. recently its all i could do. i had a thunderclap migraine... which messed with my speech for a few days... so i ended up in the ER.. where the love of my life and my main foundation stayed with me for 10 hours.

they ran tests for an aneurism, ending with a spinal tap. ew.

it felt so odd, a foreign object digging in my spine, pulling fluids from it. " now you might experience a headache tomorrow, this is normal" thats all i got from the doctor and they booted me out the door, validated my ticket and thats that.

next day... worst headache i could possibly experience. it felt like my head was going to explode when i sat up , and id get the sweats if i tried to stand up to get water. okay, no school today, just rest. again.

next day, even worse. okay sleep.

a whole week of this, unable to sit up for even 5 minutes. how am i going to function? thats when mother came to the rescue.



i dont know what i'd do without my family and justin. they are truly my rock and everything that keeps me sane and keep me going. im slowly coming back to life thanks to their nurturing. just in time for halloween! i know what i'm going to be... but shh its a surprise! i dont think anyone will even know who i am... but thats almost more fun :)

pumpkin spice

feeling somewhat nostalgic.
it should definitely feel like fall... it is the month of october, yet its still hot as ever the only difference is a little nice breeze and more clouds. i guess in hawaii that is fall. a little minute shift in the daily weather. that must be why the days blurr together here.

back in ilinois the leaves are changing color; crimson red, ochre yellow, burnt sienna, not much green just all earth tones. thats when you know its fall. you feel the crisp air tingle your lungs as you inhale, you can walk outside in a sweater and jeans and be completely comfortable, not too hot, and not cold. just right. fall has always been my favorite. the sun peaking through the clouds and the leaves all around changing colors and dancing through the wind. theres always the smell of bonfire in the air and somehow always a hint of spice. or maybe its that whenver you walk into a store theres already cinnamon pinecones out getting ready for thanksgiving and christmas. yes, fall wraps up christmas and halloween all into one. why is it that we anticipate christmas before its even thanksgiving. i walked into a store the other day and there were christmas decorations already out for sale, wrapping paper, trees, lights. its madness i tell you, right across from the halloween costumes. what?

personally, i think we should just enjoy the fall weather and not think about the cold winter until its snowing on us. or in hawaii weather, not think about all the dreary rainy weather we're going to have until it knocks over my lamp again.

hm

With all your heart, ask for grace, let go
Watch the beat of day pass into the cool night. Let go

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

We all are a little bit alike

reading others blogs.. some who you would never think you have ANYTHING in common with... i found that i actualy resonate with a lot of the feelings. 20s are damn hard.... but we must all remain optimistic. and were human... were gonna have bad days.

parts of my life painting are crazy and random.
a huge part of the painting is this illness that i so often try so hard to ignore, and some days it just creeps in on me making me feel so isolated and sorry for myself. i get frustrated that i cant go in and work all hours in hte studio becuse making food is a hard enough task for me. and then i feel like i slacker... its a contagious downward thought process that is all to easy to get into. its easy for me to pretend and hide in my room, but thats not good is it? i am strong, i havnt given up and ive finally given in and am really really trying to heal fully... no bullshit. no drinking, no staying out till 2 am anymore, eating a ridiculously strict diet. some days i just want to give up for a day and allow myself to wallow and isolate. but those are not good healing conditions. i need a support system and i am slowly allowing myself to stop trying to do this on my own... well besides with my family. i guess ive just always been to scared that they wont be there, or will get burnt out. but how do i know if i dont give them a chance? and if they dont, then o well.


i know im not alone, and the feelings that creep in once in a while are not me going crazy, its me being human and looking at the problem instead of playing pretend that i am perfectly healthy.


http://infectiousoptimism.blogspot.com/


"i do believe that a patient needs a small village of talented practitioners to get well, but I also believe that at the end of the day, if the patient doesn't have their own village of supportive, accepting, educated family and friends to come home to, the puzzle is incomplete. You just can't do this alone.

Unfortunately though, debilitating chronic illness is a recipe for isolation. Every so often you come across a gem or two that will be by your side, learning with you, helping you, and supporting you through your entire journey. A lot of the time though, when you're chronically sick, you're "out of sight, out of mind" because the nature of normal everyday life tends to swallow up those around you. "

Oahu No Ka Oi!

I never want to leave this island. I am savoring and soaking up every moment. I am so blessed with many gifts each day. When I wake up, I hear the birds chirping and the sun rising. Gifts.
I roll out of bed all groggy and one of my roomies have made a fresh pot of coffee... not just for them, but for all 3 of us to wake up with a little extra kick in the pants to get going. gift!

I love that I have Jenn and Gaby as my roomies. they are so open for adventures, like camping on forbidden land with signs saying no trespassing all over.
we pitch a tent (which takes about 30 minutes) just to end up sleeping on a firm bed of sand, under a blanket of stars and the lullaby of the ocean. waking up to the sun rising, with its pink and orange pastel glow leaking into my eyelids, forcing me to wake up early and greet the gorgeous day ahead of me.
gift, gift and many many more gifts.

it was like a vacation. the whole day on the north shore seemed like the whole weekend. we woke up to macking 12 foot waves, okay next beach. we ended at Waimea after stopping for some coffee and breakfast at Breakers. gaby fearlessly paddled out to the big sets rolling in as Jenn and I let the sun kiss our skin and watched our lil charger. i brought my board along, but 2 nights of bad sleep n a row= a not so peppy surfer in the morning. im pretty sure i would have died i was so exhausted i would've spaced and gotten taken by one of those giant outside waves. mm GIFT that i stayed on the beach

the whole day was relaxing. played some volleyball, did some cartwheels and handstands, taught some cartwheels.
siesta under the trees,loaded acai bowls and then cranked up the music as we made our way back to the busy side of town.
came home, unloaded alll our stuff. we had so much it looked like we camped for a week! then went and got a swanky new phone. stopped by justins, went to whole foods for a big, big dinner. i had twin food babies after that delicious meal. and then came home to watch Desperate Housewives. we still have no cable.. but for all of u who dont etiher, ch131.com is the best for wacthing shows the day its out!

what a glorious, beautiful day. a weekend full of gifts. everyday there are gifts to look for. be thankful. i am so grateful to live on this beautiful island with such wonderful people in my life. blessed i am.

in the words of Hannah Montana... "Life's what you make it"

AHHHH!!!!

I went skydivinggggggg! finally! i wanted to on the week of my birthday... but really? it didn't matter as long as i got to go. so the week after my dad left, i finally got to do what i've been wanting to do forever.

there were only 5 of us that went but it was the perfect group.. everyone was so stoked to go and not the least bit nervous. or if they were i couldn't tell. we all arrived and i was expecting to watch this hour long instruction video telling us how dangerous it is and the proper form. it was about 5 minutes. after the video we literally signed our lives away. "skydiving is dangerous. do you agree to do it even though you may be injured or die?" .....YUP!

we waited around for about 2 1/2 hours, which was a lot longer than expected but its alright it was such a great setup wth a gret yard and the mountains out back. we played around on the indo board chilled with the dogs and watched little kids try to do handstands. perfect distractions to keep me from letting myself think of being scared. they started calling out the names of everyone in our group, everyone was getting paired up and strapped in.. except me. i had to wait till my guy got off a jump right before ours. before i knew it i was getting strapped in and walking out to the plane.

as we started to ascend, ill admit i started getting little butterflies.. partly because it was becoming real and partly because i didn't want to get motion sickness. as we started flying over the ocean all of a sudden the beautifully sunny day had turned into a sky covered in a wool blanket of grey. crap.

none of us knew what was going on, our guys kept taling to the pilot asking what the deal was. yes were going.
no were going back. okay were gona do it. shit we are going back.
beep beep beep. 5 minute warning.
all of a sudden i feel a little jerk from behind me and my guy is strapping himself to me. oh, okay so were going now?

we were all grinning ear to ear. after like a half hour of not knowing what was going on, it was happening.

i was second to jump. i see naomi get sucked out and before i know it im at the door looking at a bunch of clouds i hear
" look you can see my house from here!"
head first i go flipping through the CLOUDS! before we jumped i felt the freezing air hit my face, and that was my main concern "its cold", not im about to jump 10,000 ft in the air.

as we were flipping i could not stop screaming, i didnt even realize i was, you can't hear anything.
i felt a tap on my shoulder, it was time to free fall. i fell right through a dark grey rain cloud. it felt like thousands of tiny needle pricking my face. and it was even colder! before i knew it i was falling right towards the ocean, and i felt a jerk.

complete calm.

now i was floating over the ocean stil trying to grasp that i just flew from the sky. we started gliding towards the landing pad. i didn't want it to end. the mountains, the ocean, everything from that high up was the most peaceful thing i have experienced. all i could hear was the quiet whisper of the wind blowing past my ears.
it is unlike anything i have and most likely ever will experience in my life. truly a once in a lifetime experience that everyone needs to do.

i am so happy that i finally made it happen for me. i didn't want to wait for anyone else to make it happen because i WANTED it, i was hungry for the speed and the rush. life is what you make of it, whether you choose to do something or not, whether you say hi to the person next to you who could be your soulmate or not, so many choices so many opportunities. if you sit and wait for things to fall into your lap, your going to be sorry that you didn't jump out head first free falling into what comes next.

positive vibrations

oh lovely day.

i got to surf with my padre today, it was so muchhhhh fun. we surfed waiks which is always interesting.. lots of slow building waves, and lots of peopleeee but my dad got up wooo! so it was a success overall..
all i wished for my birthday was a swell.. i got it a week late. yayy it came! tomorrow morning=dawn patrol! maybe.. more like just morning surf sesh. i am horrible at getting up all early.

ready. set. blah!
mind is racing today. lots to think about.

loved spending the whole day with my dad and having the most delicious indian veggie dinner. we havnt had a day together since i dont even know when.
so all in all B-E-Autiful day! expecting another grand day tomorrow!

22...22?

Im 22 now.. I wonder how long it will take for me to remember to say that when someone asks, "how old are you"

I got a lovely care/birthday package in the mail from my wonderful mother. In it was a surprise from my favorite store, Urban Outfitters (come on Oahu get with it and open one of dem up out here!) also inside was about 5 bags of nut mixtures from Trader Joes.. also another necessary addition to the island. All these nuts are because I am on this insane "diet" more like a cleanse if you ask me.

my new holistic doctor, ran some tests to see what foods I need to avoid... so pretty much i have to avoid everything besides fruit, veggies, nuts, beans and quinoa. Luckily I am not picky and love all veggies now. I feel like a new person eating this way though. My energy during the day is ridiculous.. i feel like ive had 5 cups of coffee and am so bouncy and fidgety.. i think this week i only had one slow day. which is HUGE for me! brings joy to me heart to realize how much better i feel in jsut a few weeks with this new doc.

My birthday was yesterday and it was just lovely.. perfect day. I love my roomies! they found me a gluten free raw vegan brownie from Kokua market and it was soo amazing! i couldn't have asked for a more wonderful day.. except of course if there were some macking waves frolicking in the water. but maybe this weekend?

this weeekend my dad is coming in from Hong Kong! Im excited to spend time with him on the North Shore.. and just relax! My dad needs that too.. he works too hard.

SKYDIVE next weekend. YES it is happening if i have to go with like 2 people.. its happening. Saturday after work.. im jumpin out of a plane overlooking all the million colors of green in the mountains of Oahu. yes i!

lalalala

Yoga here I come.
Time to start committing to the things I want and say I will do. Yoga yoga yogaaa

I went surfing yesterday with Jenn, and met up with Gaby out in the water. At first we couldnt find her but then I saw her bright pink board and did the MSG shoutout...owoowup! that worked.. we all played board switch and tried each others boards out. I did a handstand..and a forward roll on my board.. and then the board hit me in the head....
i like the wavestorm... i think its a great board.. even if it is obnoxiously softop blue and looks like a kooky board. it is supa funnn and ive seen people shred on it.. so dont hate on the costco boardddssss

the sun is shining and i have no school today. i love today. i bought myself an early birthday present... 2 favorite new tops and some awesome cherry body wash from lush.. cant wait to shower and use it!

oh and did i mention that when i was in whole foods i literally bumped into Scott Caan from Entourage and the new Hawaii 5-0??
hes really short.
what odd timing. funny how things like that happen. if i wouldve waited a second longer i wouldnt have ran into him and exchanged a few words with him.
why do we get so excited when we see famous people? it is so cool... but why is it really sooo exciting?

breathe

i got reiki healing done yesterday. it is so interesting and intense. i always feel 100 times lighter afterward and in a state of total relaxation. it always helps with my mood, it seems to break that foggy haze i sometimes run into and get stuck in. i am wide awake and its 11 30. this never happens and even though i know in the morning il b cursing myself for not going to bed earlier.. im also happy that im awake so late because usually im dragging... and barely functioning by 8.
she told me that i was given Lyme for a reason, to learn from. and that somethign great will come from it. what could the lesson be?

school has started. and i feel confident for once with the year. all my teachers are great and inspiring, each one has their own special qualities. i am taking french. woah! starting a new language when i only have a year and a half of undergrad left? i must be nuts! but i think it is such a unique language, i havn't gotten all the hauking and rolling of the rrrrrs yet. but ill get there. and most importantly i want to.. want to learn this language. odd its not japanese or hawaiian since i am in hawaii and im japanese.
one day ill end up in france or canada and use my mad french skills.

i am a little nervous about low fire ceramics. i had this problem last year. i always feel stuck. its really just fear. fear of pushing the envelope and doing things i'd never usually do. i want to be creative and i know i am.. i just dont unleash it. i need to unleash it and just go nuts!

i NEED to start yoga and meditating on a regular basis. i want to keep myself rooted and also keep myself seeking. clear the mind, and just be still. it seems ive only been going going going already. its only the 2nd week. just breathe.

i found a great doctor. i have high hopes for him that he will speed up my healing process. God does answer prayers.

My birthday is in 2 weeks. Yikes! 22... what an odd number. i am excited but at the same time not. i want to skydive! and i want to have a bonfire on the beach..celebrate all the september birthdays Jenn, Boone, Naomi and Mine all within days of echother.

I am not drinking anymore. Fully giving in to the healing process and not putting in anything that will disable that process.
I am also on a strict diet of nuts, beans, veggies and fruit. and quinoa. the only grain i can eat for 3 months.
let the journey of this crazy year begin.

Healing

This road to health is something I find such a struggle. I get so angry at my loved ones when they cannot comfort me in my pain or when they want me to go out all night as 21 year olds are supposed to do but all i can think is that I'm so exhausted to tears and they don't understand.

How is that even fair? They don't know what it is like to be in pain everywhere to the point where it hurts to paint with a paintbrush that weighs nothing and your muscles feel so weak that that paintbrush feels like its 50 lbs... they don't understand what it's like when I'm sitting there and I feel extreme jolts of electricity shocking my tendons.. how could they? And how can I expect them to empathize when this is something so far beyond anyone who has not been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

Bless their hearts for trying.

" It's not fair, you are strong, just stay strong"

no it's not fair. but it could be worse.

yes I AM strong. staying strong is the hard part.. but I will. My mom hasn't given up on our family's health and I wont either and I WILL get better for the sake of my life's quality.. so I can be a young adult for once and experience life the way I want to. And I WILL get better for my mom, I can tell she is so close to being fully recovered.. the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some days I think I am so close to that light, other days, I feel like it's pitch black and I am just L O S T in my own pity and pain. But I am still alive and my symptoms will come and go, and when they come I know that the medicine is working..

I WILL STAY STRONG.

I have always been strong but I didn't know how strong I would have to be for myself. This is a test and it makes me happy to see that I have made progress.

I am trying so many alternative options. I'm tired of all the medicine that make me so nauseous I don't even want to indulge in my favorite foods. And makes me so tired I could sleep for days. Every day is a battle.. and soon it will be easier and happier. But how blessed am I that I get to heal with the ocean there to take away my pain and make me forget, and the mountains to look upon and meditate on. I have so many people back home that love me and am finding so many people here I can depend on. It makes my heart smile.

why school?

School is just something that stresses us out.

Stress= bad for our health

no wonder no one is in full health these days

Paint

paint is such a magical thing. i find that one day i can pick up one color and it leads me to do something particular, and then the next day something totally different. color can contain such different emotions and i am currently exploring what colors match my feelings of each day. i think in the end it will be very interesting to see what others view and what feelings they find in themselves from looking at the painting.

therapeutic.

art is my one love aside from my love of my life and my family. and the ocean of course.

it is important to always make time for the things we love. without them we are just passing by and going through the motions.