Auld Lang Syne

I have been reminiscing on the past a lot lately and realized how much I have changed and how much older I am getting. It is going way to fast and many times I want it to stop. Since change and time are inevitable, what I will do is just be okay with the changes taking place, learn from experiences and mistakes... and keep looking up. there are always changes happening, what else can you do but just roll with it and embrace it?

Change is not easy for most people, and certainly isn't easy for me... but at the same time it always brings on something wonderful and exciting. new opportunities stem from one direction you choose, or from the other. so with this new change in my present situation, I am graciously accepting it.... because what else can i do? I could... be negative and be angry and make myself miserable by doing so, and probably not get any better over these next few months. but doesn't that defeat the purpose? it most certainly does.

So here I am, okay with this change of being in the cold for a semester rather than the glorious sun of hawaii. as much as hawaii is my shelter and my vice, life doesn't always go as expected.... and that is the fun of it. I did have a choice... and I am choosing what in my heart, i know is best for my health. completely stress free, one online class, rest rest and more rest. strict food plan, physical trainer to get my strength back, some art classes NOT for a grade, and spending time with my family and lovely friends. rest. rest. and more rest.

I know this will be good. It wont be easy, but it will be more beneficial than trying to do this on my own. And in the end I think I can beat this disease if I just surrender, accept and focus on just me for a little while. If in a few months I can get ahead with my health, its all worth it. then i can just move on with my life and keep moving forward instead of a constant struggle and fear. I feel an end in site and I cannot wait. This optimism is something I've felt I had to fake it to not let myself sink into negativity. But today, today it feels so real and deep into my core that I can't help but smile. Cheers to a new year, new health and getting the old me back!

dear brain...

Dear Brain,
I just want to say thank you for sticking with me these past few weeks as I tried to work on papers, finish color theory, come up with an amazing concept for ceramics and memorize things in french. it has been a rough and very tiresome week. i also want to thank coffee for picking you up when you wanted to fall to the floor. Body, no offense but you weren't a very big help in this process, you just kinda were dragging along while brain worked itself to death. but its over for a few days, you can rest, until sunday when you have to study french again. but until then, be blank and body... u gotta pick it up a little bit around here... ur gettin kindaaa lame. no offense.
sincerely,
Nicole

gobble, gobble goes the turkey

so a little late, but thanksgiving day was quite hectic. it was wonderful as well. i completely splurged. iate all the things i am not supposed to :) i ate turkey, cranberry sauce and made an amazing sweet potato dish. I also splurged at Whole Foods and bought some swanky cheese and italian salami for appetizers.

when i started the day off i slept in. when i got up i drank some coffee to get my energy goin and lit a cranberry candle, and then played christmas music while cleaning and peeling potatoes. It was a beautiful day out and as I took a moment to stop and look in my window, i looked at diamond head and realized what a perfect view i have. i mean of course i always new this, but i was seeing everything in a different light. i love this island, it is my haven and i am so thankful i get to see such beauty everyday. I am so blessed.

My first thanksgiving away from home was a wonderful success and was shared with such great people that filled the apartment with good energy. It was not so much a thanksgiving day, but weekend. I got to spend all day friday being a bum, sleeping in, watching tv, eating leftovers. it felt so good to do NOTHING. saturday i spent the day laying in the sun at cromwells with justin and then to see a movie with my ladies and jenn's mom! and this morning we rented huge longboards and just cruised in the water, i was able to catch so many waves once i got my balance back. it was a perfect morning, the crystal clear water the glowing sun brushing my skin and a light breeze to keep me cool. I love this island more than anything and the life i get to live out here. THANKFUL for so much in my life.

and the light shines on

what a wonderful day! woke up feeling so crappy... ended it feeling so happy inside.
today in ceramics we had critique and it was on our multiples piece. i did mine on lyme disease. first the class had to discuss everything and figure out what it was about, then i got to explain. and with my heart beating like a bass drum and my voice shaking, i explained everything to them. it was such a liberating feeling to share something that i carry with me everyday and no one has any idea what i am feeling or going through. it was such a relief in a way to be like so some days im on and some days im SO off my mind is barely there.... well this is why. i got such positive feed back about my piece that i was smiling from the inside out. positive feed back about my art, and art that is about something so serious and a big part of my life right now is amazing. when a critique goes well, its like i am a new person entirely. so without further ado, this is my piece titled "Sickly Sweet" (these have not been fired or glazed yet, the colors will be much brighter so keep that in mind when looking)

Mehhh

I don't think surfing has ever really made me so sad while I was out in the water. I have never felt so weak, it amazes me to see how fast my muscles seem to have deteriorated and how my energy level has REALLY gone down. After catching one lil wave and standing up very shaky and wobbly as if it were my first time again I could not muster up the strength and energy to get to the outside. So i gave in,sat on the inside by myself and while watching the orange sherbert sunset I'll admit that I teared up a little bit. I didn't realize that I actually was slipping away to this disease. The things I want to do and love to do, I cannot physically do them. Not yet anyway. I don't know what's worse, being landlocked and not surfing ever... or being near the ocean, with waves and not being able to surf. It's frustrating beyond words.

But then after I got out and rinsed off the salt from my hair, I felt calmer, and okay with it. As i teared up in the water in a way I felt I gave some of my troubles to the ocean and left them there. The ocean really is a healing place, and that answers it. I'd rather have the ocean rather than not have it around.

yay for productive mondays

art and i have such a love hate relationship.
some days i want to be in the studio for hours.. but other days you cant keep me in there for more than 10 minutes at a time.
right now i am making cups, cups and more cups in ceramics.. just for fun. so i enjoy it. each one is a canvas and sometimes i produce some of the most random things... i dont even know where they come from. which is a great feeling. that to me is what art is about. just playing and see what comes out.. because it comes from somewhere within. maybe youre feeling nostalgic and so that shows up, or really excited and that'll come out with bright and more busy paintings. the handwriting is all you but each one is different because it pulls from deep within the consciousness. well not always.. sometimes you have to do what the teacher asks of you with about 20% of your own input... thats when me and art become a little more distant. when i have to put restrictions on how i do it, and where it stems from... whew you have to glue my butt to the chair to keep it going and get a final piece. i love art when it is pure and is used to help you through the day and keep your spirits lifted. cause honestly when i cant be creative... i get just as distant.

7th dimensions and white lights

whoaaaaa freaky. i went and got some angel healing last night, somewhat like Reiki but a little bit more powerful... or maybe A LOT. It took me into a deeper state of relaxation than I ever thought possible. It was an out of body experience to say the least. As I went into total meditation mode opening up all my chakras and my heart to healing (as instructed) I was imagining myself being taken up to the 7th dimension, where the powerful healing takes place, allowing all and any healing necessary to be held. INTENSE. It actually felt like my body was levitating and being taken to this space that I have never been to. I felt I was being guided there by my angels (energy/spirits/ souls) to a heightened state of being. At one point I felt I wanted to jump up and run out..but something told me to stay calm and stay in the moment, don't over-think it. Then there was no thinking, just pure energy.

This is something I'd never believed I'd try, I didn't even know it existed really yet here I am trying out all of these different methods of energy healing. It's a hard thing to try and explain but you feel lighter, newer and more aware. A little more clarevoyant as well, it becomes easier to listen to that inner voice. THe hardest part is not letting that part go, and keeping that openness you feel after. It's almost like a mental cleaning. Today I felt awful, a total lyme day. That is because so much is moving around and dying off and the effects, are pain. But instead of feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the extreme fatigue and pain and twitching going on, I just smile and receive the healing taking place because I know that is what is happening. I smile and say thank you, and recieve it with open arms. Let his healing continue. This disease has taught me to feel angry and bitter but it has also allowed me to look at t and see it as a good thing, it forces me to listen to my body which is something most people rarely do. I COULD push through and keep going, ignore the pain, run myself to the ground, drink , party... but the second I stopped I would be afraid I'd collapse. I'm much happier knowing when to say when and not regretting it when I wake up the next day feeling better than the one before.