reading others blogs.. some who you would never think you have ANYTHING in common with... i found that i actualy resonate with a lot of the feelings. 20s are damn hard.... but we must all remain optimistic. and were human... were gonna have bad days.
parts of my life painting are crazy and random.
a huge part of the painting is this illness that i so often try so hard to ignore, and some days it just creeps in on me making me feel so isolated and sorry for myself. i get frustrated that i cant go in and work all hours in hte studio becuse making food is a hard enough task for me. and then i feel like i slacker... its a contagious downward thought process that is all to easy to get into. its easy for me to pretend and hide in my room, but thats not good is it? i am strong, i havnt given up and ive finally given in and am really really trying to heal fully... no bullshit. no drinking, no staying out till 2 am anymore, eating a ridiculously strict diet. some days i just want to give up for a day and allow myself to wallow and isolate. but those are not good healing conditions. i need a support system and i am slowly allowing myself to stop trying to do this on my own... well besides with my family. i guess ive just always been to scared that they wont be there, or will get burnt out. but how do i know if i dont give them a chance? and if they dont, then o well.
i know im not alone, and the feelings that creep in once in a while are not me going crazy, its me being human and looking at the problem instead of playing pretend that i am perfectly healthy.
http://infectiousoptimism.blogspot.com/
"i do believe that a patient needs a small village of talented practitioners to get well, but I also believe that at the end of the day, if the patient doesn't have their own village of supportive, accepting, educated family and friends to come home to, the puzzle is incomplete. You just can't do this alone.
Unfortunately though, debilitating chronic illness is a recipe for isolation. Every so often you come across a gem or two that will be by your side, learning with you, helping you, and supporting you through your entire journey. A lot of the time though, when you're chronically sick, you're "out of sight, out of mind" because the nature of normal everyday life tends to swallow up those around you. "
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Oahu No Ka Oi!
I never want to leave this island. I am savoring and soaking up every moment. I am so blessed with many gifts each day. When I wake up, I hear the birds chirping and the sun rising. Gifts.
I roll out of bed all groggy and one of my roomies have made a fresh pot of coffee... not just for them, but for all 3 of us to wake up with a little extra kick in the pants to get going. gift!
I love that I have Jenn and Gaby as my roomies. they are so open for adventures, like camping on forbidden land with signs saying no trespassing all over.
we pitch a tent (which takes about 30 minutes) just to end up sleeping on a firm bed of sand, under a blanket of stars and the lullaby of the ocean. waking up to the sun rising, with its pink and orange pastel glow leaking into my eyelids, forcing me to wake up early and greet the gorgeous day ahead of me.
gift, gift and many many more gifts.
it was like a vacation. the whole day on the north shore seemed like the whole weekend. we woke up to macking 12 foot waves, okay next beach. we ended at Waimea after stopping for some coffee and breakfast at Breakers. gaby fearlessly paddled out to the big sets rolling in as Jenn and I let the sun kiss our skin and watched our lil charger. i brought my board along, but 2 nights of bad sleep n a row= a not so peppy surfer in the morning. im pretty sure i would have died i was so exhausted i would've spaced and gotten taken by one of those giant outside waves. mm GIFT that i stayed on the beach
the whole day was relaxing. played some volleyball, did some cartwheels and handstands, taught some cartwheels.
siesta under the trees,loaded acai bowls and then cranked up the music as we made our way back to the busy side of town.
came home, unloaded alll our stuff. we had so much it looked like we camped for a week! then went and got a swanky new phone. stopped by justins, went to whole foods for a big, big dinner. i had twin food babies after that delicious meal. and then came home to watch Desperate Housewives. we still have no cable.. but for all of u who dont etiher, ch131.com is the best for wacthing shows the day its out!
what a glorious, beautiful day. a weekend full of gifts. everyday there are gifts to look for. be thankful. i am so grateful to live on this beautiful island with such wonderful people in my life. blessed i am.
I roll out of bed all groggy and one of my roomies have made a fresh pot of coffee... not just for them, but for all 3 of us to wake up with a little extra kick in the pants to get going. gift!
I love that I have Jenn and Gaby as my roomies. they are so open for adventures, like camping on forbidden land with signs saying no trespassing all over.
we pitch a tent (which takes about 30 minutes) just to end up sleeping on a firm bed of sand, under a blanket of stars and the lullaby of the ocean. waking up to the sun rising, with its pink and orange pastel glow leaking into my eyelids, forcing me to wake up early and greet the gorgeous day ahead of me.
gift, gift and many many more gifts.
it was like a vacation. the whole day on the north shore seemed like the whole weekend. we woke up to macking 12 foot waves, okay next beach. we ended at Waimea after stopping for some coffee and breakfast at Breakers. gaby fearlessly paddled out to the big sets rolling in as Jenn and I let the sun kiss our skin and watched our lil charger. i brought my board along, but 2 nights of bad sleep n a row= a not so peppy surfer in the morning. im pretty sure i would have died i was so exhausted i would've spaced and gotten taken by one of those giant outside waves. mm GIFT that i stayed on the beach
the whole day was relaxing. played some volleyball, did some cartwheels and handstands, taught some cartwheels.
siesta under the trees,loaded acai bowls and then cranked up the music as we made our way back to the busy side of town.
came home, unloaded alll our stuff. we had so much it looked like we camped for a week! then went and got a swanky new phone. stopped by justins, went to whole foods for a big, big dinner. i had twin food babies after that delicious meal. and then came home to watch Desperate Housewives. we still have no cable.. but for all of u who dont etiher, ch131.com is the best for wacthing shows the day its out!
what a glorious, beautiful day. a weekend full of gifts. everyday there are gifts to look for. be thankful. i am so grateful to live on this beautiful island with such wonderful people in my life. blessed i am.
Monday, September 20, 2010
in the words of Hannah Montana... "Life's what you make it"
AHHHH!!!!
I went skydivinggggggg! finally! i wanted to on the week of my birthday... but really? it didn't matter as long as i got to go. so the week after my dad left, i finally got to do what i've been wanting to do forever.
there were only 5 of us that went but it was the perfect group.. everyone was so stoked to go and not the least bit nervous. or if they were i couldn't tell. we all arrived and i was expecting to watch this hour long instruction video telling us how dangerous it is and the proper form. it was about 5 minutes. after the video we literally signed our lives away. "skydiving is dangerous. do you agree to do it even though you may be injured or die?" .....YUP!
we waited around for about 2 1/2 hours, which was a lot longer than expected but its alright it was such a great setup wth a gret yard and the mountains out back. we played around on the indo board chilled with the dogs and watched little kids try to do handstands. perfect distractions to keep me from letting myself think of being scared. they started calling out the names of everyone in our group, everyone was getting paired up and strapped in.. except me. i had to wait till my guy got off a jump right before ours. before i knew it i was getting strapped in and walking out to the plane.
as we started to ascend, ill admit i started getting little butterflies.. partly because it was becoming real and partly because i didn't want to get motion sickness. as we started flying over the ocean all of a sudden the beautifully sunny day had turned into a sky covered in a wool blanket of grey. crap.
none of us knew what was going on, our guys kept taling to the pilot asking what the deal was. yes were going.
no were going back. okay were gona do it. shit we are going back.
beep beep beep. 5 minute warning.
all of a sudden i feel a little jerk from behind me and my guy is strapping himself to me. oh, okay so were going now?
we were all grinning ear to ear. after like a half hour of not knowing what was going on, it was happening.
i was second to jump. i see naomi get sucked out and before i know it im at the door looking at a bunch of clouds i hear
" look you can see my house from here!"
head first i go flipping through the CLOUDS! before we jumped i felt the freezing air hit my face, and that was my main concern "its cold", not im about to jump 10,000 ft in the air.
as we were flipping i could not stop screaming, i didnt even realize i was, you can't hear anything.
i felt a tap on my shoulder, it was time to free fall. i fell right through a dark grey rain cloud. it felt like thousands of tiny needle pricking my face. and it was even colder! before i knew it i was falling right towards the ocean, and i felt a jerk.
complete calm.
now i was floating over the ocean stil trying to grasp that i just flew from the sky. we started gliding towards the landing pad. i didn't want it to end. the mountains, the ocean, everything from that high up was the most peaceful thing i have experienced. all i could hear was the quiet whisper of the wind blowing past my ears.
it is unlike anything i have and most likely ever will experience in my life. truly a once in a lifetime experience that everyone needs to do.
i am so happy that i finally made it happen for me. i didn't want to wait for anyone else to make it happen because i WANTED it, i was hungry for the speed and the rush. life is what you make of it, whether you choose to do something or not, whether you say hi to the person next to you who could be your soulmate or not, so many choices so many opportunities. if you sit and wait for things to fall into your lap, your going to be sorry that you didn't jump out head first free falling into what comes next.
I went skydivinggggggg! finally! i wanted to on the week of my birthday... but really? it didn't matter as long as i got to go. so the week after my dad left, i finally got to do what i've been wanting to do forever.
there were only 5 of us that went but it was the perfect group.. everyone was so stoked to go and not the least bit nervous. or if they were i couldn't tell. we all arrived and i was expecting to watch this hour long instruction video telling us how dangerous it is and the proper form. it was about 5 minutes. after the video we literally signed our lives away. "skydiving is dangerous. do you agree to do it even though you may be injured or die?" .....YUP!
we waited around for about 2 1/2 hours, which was a lot longer than expected but its alright it was such a great setup wth a gret yard and the mountains out back. we played around on the indo board chilled with the dogs and watched little kids try to do handstands. perfect distractions to keep me from letting myself think of being scared. they started calling out the names of everyone in our group, everyone was getting paired up and strapped in.. except me. i had to wait till my guy got off a jump right before ours. before i knew it i was getting strapped in and walking out to the plane.
as we started to ascend, ill admit i started getting little butterflies.. partly because it was becoming real and partly because i didn't want to get motion sickness. as we started flying over the ocean all of a sudden the beautifully sunny day had turned into a sky covered in a wool blanket of grey. crap.
none of us knew what was going on, our guys kept taling to the pilot asking what the deal was. yes were going.
no were going back. okay were gona do it. shit we are going back.
beep beep beep. 5 minute warning.
all of a sudden i feel a little jerk from behind me and my guy is strapping himself to me. oh, okay so were going now?
we were all grinning ear to ear. after like a half hour of not knowing what was going on, it was happening.
i was second to jump. i see naomi get sucked out and before i know it im at the door looking at a bunch of clouds i hear
" look you can see my house from here!"
head first i go flipping through the CLOUDS! before we jumped i felt the freezing air hit my face, and that was my main concern "its cold", not im about to jump 10,000 ft in the air.
as we were flipping i could not stop screaming, i didnt even realize i was, you can't hear anything.
i felt a tap on my shoulder, it was time to free fall. i fell right through a dark grey rain cloud. it felt like thousands of tiny needle pricking my face. and it was even colder! before i knew it i was falling right towards the ocean, and i felt a jerk.
complete calm.
now i was floating over the ocean stil trying to grasp that i just flew from the sky. we started gliding towards the landing pad. i didn't want it to end. the mountains, the ocean, everything from that high up was the most peaceful thing i have experienced. all i could hear was the quiet whisper of the wind blowing past my ears.
it is unlike anything i have and most likely ever will experience in my life. truly a once in a lifetime experience that everyone needs to do.
i am so happy that i finally made it happen for me. i didn't want to wait for anyone else to make it happen because i WANTED it, i was hungry for the speed and the rush. life is what you make of it, whether you choose to do something or not, whether you say hi to the person next to you who could be your soulmate or not, so many choices so many opportunities. if you sit and wait for things to fall into your lap, your going to be sorry that you didn't jump out head first free falling into what comes next.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
positive vibrations
oh lovely day.
i got to surf with my padre today, it was so muchhhhh fun. we surfed waiks which is always interesting.. lots of slow building waves, and lots of peopleeee but my dad got up wooo! so it was a success overall..
all i wished for my birthday was a swell.. i got it a week late. yayy it came! tomorrow morning=dawn patrol! maybe.. more like just morning surf sesh. i am horrible at getting up all early.
ready. set. blah!
mind is racing today. lots to think about.
loved spending the whole day with my dad and having the most delicious indian veggie dinner. we havnt had a day together since i dont even know when.
so all in all B-E-Autiful day! expecting another grand day tomorrow!
i got to surf with my padre today, it was so muchhhhh fun. we surfed waiks which is always interesting.. lots of slow building waves, and lots of peopleeee but my dad got up wooo! so it was a success overall..
all i wished for my birthday was a swell.. i got it a week late. yayy it came! tomorrow morning=dawn patrol! maybe.. more like just morning surf sesh. i am horrible at getting up all early.
ready. set. blah!
mind is racing today. lots to think about.
loved spending the whole day with my dad and having the most delicious indian veggie dinner. we havnt had a day together since i dont even know when.
so all in all B-E-Autiful day! expecting another grand day tomorrow!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
22...22?
Im 22 now.. I wonder how long it will take for me to remember to say that when someone asks, "how old are you"
I got a lovely care/birthday package in the mail from my wonderful mother. In it was a surprise from my favorite store, Urban Outfitters (come on Oahu get with it and open one of dem up out here!) also inside was about 5 bags of nut mixtures from Trader Joes.. also another necessary addition to the island. All these nuts are because I am on this insane "diet" more like a cleanse if you ask me.
my new holistic doctor, ran some tests to see what foods I need to avoid... so pretty much i have to avoid everything besides fruit, veggies, nuts, beans and quinoa. Luckily I am not picky and love all veggies now. I feel like a new person eating this way though. My energy during the day is ridiculous.. i feel like ive had 5 cups of coffee and am so bouncy and fidgety.. i think this week i only had one slow day. which is HUGE for me! brings joy to me heart to realize how much better i feel in jsut a few weeks with this new doc.
My birthday was yesterday and it was just lovely.. perfect day. I love my roomies! they found me a gluten free raw vegan brownie from Kokua market and it was soo amazing! i couldn't have asked for a more wonderful day.. except of course if there were some macking waves frolicking in the water. but maybe this weekend?
this weeekend my dad is coming in from Hong Kong! Im excited to spend time with him on the North Shore.. and just relax! My dad needs that too.. he works too hard.
SKYDIVE next weekend. YES it is happening if i have to go with like 2 people.. its happening. Saturday after work.. im jumpin out of a plane overlooking all the million colors of green in the mountains of Oahu. yes i!
I got a lovely care/birthday package in the mail from my wonderful mother. In it was a surprise from my favorite store, Urban Outfitters (come on Oahu get with it and open one of dem up out here!) also inside was about 5 bags of nut mixtures from Trader Joes.. also another necessary addition to the island. All these nuts are because I am on this insane "diet" more like a cleanse if you ask me.
my new holistic doctor, ran some tests to see what foods I need to avoid... so pretty much i have to avoid everything besides fruit, veggies, nuts, beans and quinoa. Luckily I am not picky and love all veggies now. I feel like a new person eating this way though. My energy during the day is ridiculous.. i feel like ive had 5 cups of coffee and am so bouncy and fidgety.. i think this week i only had one slow day. which is HUGE for me! brings joy to me heart to realize how much better i feel in jsut a few weeks with this new doc.
My birthday was yesterday and it was just lovely.. perfect day. I love my roomies! they found me a gluten free raw vegan brownie from Kokua market and it was soo amazing! i couldn't have asked for a more wonderful day.. except of course if there were some macking waves frolicking in the water. but maybe this weekend?
this weeekend my dad is coming in from Hong Kong! Im excited to spend time with him on the North Shore.. and just relax! My dad needs that too.. he works too hard.
SKYDIVE next weekend. YES it is happening if i have to go with like 2 people.. its happening. Saturday after work.. im jumpin out of a plane overlooking all the million colors of green in the mountains of Oahu. yes i!
Monday, September 6, 2010
lalalala
Yoga here I come.
Time to start committing to the things I want and say I will do. Yoga yoga yogaaa
I went surfing yesterday with Jenn, and met up with Gaby out in the water. At first we couldnt find her but then I saw her bright pink board and did the MSG shoutout...owoowup! that worked.. we all played board switch and tried each others boards out. I did a handstand..and a forward roll on my board.. and then the board hit me in the head....
i like the wavestorm... i think its a great board.. even if it is obnoxiously softop blue and looks like a kooky board. it is supa funnn and ive seen people shred on it.. so dont hate on the costco boardddssss
the sun is shining and i have no school today. i love today. i bought myself an early birthday present... 2 favorite new tops and some awesome cherry body wash from lush.. cant wait to shower and use it!
oh and did i mention that when i was in whole foods i literally bumped into Scott Caan from Entourage and the new Hawaii 5-0??
hes really short.
what odd timing. funny how things like that happen. if i wouldve waited a second longer i wouldnt have ran into him and exchanged a few words with him.
why do we get so excited when we see famous people? it is so cool... but why is it really sooo exciting?
Time to start committing to the things I want and say I will do. Yoga yoga yogaaa
I went surfing yesterday with Jenn, and met up with Gaby out in the water. At first we couldnt find her but then I saw her bright pink board and did the MSG shoutout...owoowup! that worked.. we all played board switch and tried each others boards out. I did a handstand..and a forward roll on my board.. and then the board hit me in the head....
i like the wavestorm... i think its a great board.. even if it is obnoxiously softop blue and looks like a kooky board. it is supa funnn and ive seen people shred on it.. so dont hate on the costco boardddssss
the sun is shining and i have no school today. i love today. i bought myself an early birthday present... 2 favorite new tops and some awesome cherry body wash from lush.. cant wait to shower and use it!
oh and did i mention that when i was in whole foods i literally bumped into Scott Caan from Entourage and the new Hawaii 5-0??
hes really short.
what odd timing. funny how things like that happen. if i wouldve waited a second longer i wouldnt have ran into him and exchanged a few words with him.
why do we get so excited when we see famous people? it is so cool... but why is it really sooo exciting?
Friday, September 3, 2010
breathe
i got reiki healing done yesterday. it is so interesting and intense. i always feel 100 times lighter afterward and in a state of total relaxation. it always helps with my mood, it seems to break that foggy haze i sometimes run into and get stuck in. i am wide awake and its 11 30. this never happens and even though i know in the morning il b cursing myself for not going to bed earlier.. im also happy that im awake so late because usually im dragging... and barely functioning by 8.
she told me that i was given Lyme for a reason, to learn from. and that somethign great will come from it. what could the lesson be?
school has started. and i feel confident for once with the year. all my teachers are great and inspiring, each one has their own special qualities. i am taking french. woah! starting a new language when i only have a year and a half of undergrad left? i must be nuts! but i think it is such a unique language, i havn't gotten all the hauking and rolling of the rrrrrs yet. but ill get there. and most importantly i want to.. want to learn this language. odd its not japanese or hawaiian since i am in hawaii and im japanese.
one day ill end up in france or canada and use my mad french skills.
i am a little nervous about low fire ceramics. i had this problem last year. i always feel stuck. its really just fear. fear of pushing the envelope and doing things i'd never usually do. i want to be creative and i know i am.. i just dont unleash it. i need to unleash it and just go nuts!
i NEED to start yoga and meditating on a regular basis. i want to keep myself rooted and also keep myself seeking. clear the mind, and just be still. it seems ive only been going going going already. its only the 2nd week. just breathe.
i found a great doctor. i have high hopes for him that he will speed up my healing process. God does answer prayers.
My birthday is in 2 weeks. Yikes! 22... what an odd number. i am excited but at the same time not. i want to skydive! and i want to have a bonfire on the beach..celebrate all the september birthdays Jenn, Boone, Naomi and Mine all within days of echother.
I am not drinking anymore. Fully giving in to the healing process and not putting in anything that will disable that process.
I am also on a strict diet of nuts, beans, veggies and fruit. and quinoa. the only grain i can eat for 3 months.
let the journey of this crazy year begin.
she told me that i was given Lyme for a reason, to learn from. and that somethign great will come from it. what could the lesson be?
school has started. and i feel confident for once with the year. all my teachers are great and inspiring, each one has their own special qualities. i am taking french. woah! starting a new language when i only have a year and a half of undergrad left? i must be nuts! but i think it is such a unique language, i havn't gotten all the hauking and rolling of the rrrrrs yet. but ill get there. and most importantly i want to.. want to learn this language. odd its not japanese or hawaiian since i am in hawaii and im japanese.
one day ill end up in france or canada and use my mad french skills.
i am a little nervous about low fire ceramics. i had this problem last year. i always feel stuck. its really just fear. fear of pushing the envelope and doing things i'd never usually do. i want to be creative and i know i am.. i just dont unleash it. i need to unleash it and just go nuts!
i NEED to start yoga and meditating on a regular basis. i want to keep myself rooted and also keep myself seeking. clear the mind, and just be still. it seems ive only been going going going already. its only the 2nd week. just breathe.
i found a great doctor. i have high hopes for him that he will speed up my healing process. God does answer prayers.
My birthday is in 2 weeks. Yikes! 22... what an odd number. i am excited but at the same time not. i want to skydive! and i want to have a bonfire on the beach..celebrate all the september birthdays Jenn, Boone, Naomi and Mine all within days of echother.
I am not drinking anymore. Fully giving in to the healing process and not putting in anything that will disable that process.
I am also on a strict diet of nuts, beans, veggies and fruit. and quinoa. the only grain i can eat for 3 months.
let the journey of this crazy year begin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)